Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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