"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
