I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
