He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
