you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
porn star boner night. come get it.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
