therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize