I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Randomize
