dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
