On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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