dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I looked at my own cervix.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
