I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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