She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
