my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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