I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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