What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
