I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
