My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
