Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
