Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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