i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
