Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
