Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
