he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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