no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
