i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Randomize
