booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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