Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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