I wanna bring you to show and tell
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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