it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
