I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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