I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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