I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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