If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
