Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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