Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Randomize