Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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