I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
