I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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