either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
