How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
