Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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