sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
