im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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