The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
