i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
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