I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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