I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
