The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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