why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
