he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
