blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
i think my cat just said my name.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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