There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
