Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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