I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize