Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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