true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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