Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
