i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
did you just send me my own nude
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
