last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
