I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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