Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
