found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
