Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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