I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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