I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
