Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
