jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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