My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Everyone says I win the strip club
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Sorry about my life...
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
