Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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