I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
