So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
