i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Couch. On fire.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
