I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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