The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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