Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
