Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
