When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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