I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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