Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
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