I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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